A Letter to My Second Husband

I was married to him for 3.5 years, which seems like nothing compared to the 13 years with you. 
But I still remember his birthday and our anniversary every time the calendar shows it.
I still remember what his fingers felt like laced through mine.
I still get a little silly when I think about that first kiss in the fog with him.
Traces of him still remain, even after 14 years of showers and living and actively trying to forget.   

I so much want to be a virgin bride for you--untarnished.
Yet here I am.  
And I know that I am a complete person,
unlike the metaphors I heard growing up in youth group
about how my heart isn’t whole anymore or some other bullshit
but I really hate that he took so much from me. 
That I blindly followed him and allowed him to take so much from me.  

Marriage is an act of faith
because you really don’t know who you’re marrying
and for me, my act of faith exploded in my face. 
I saw glimpses, but I was told that divorce wasn’t an option. 
I was neglected, so I tried harder. 
I was ignored, so I prayed even harder. 
I gave and forgave and swept away misgivings to please. 
And he still chose everyone else over me.  

I stand before you now, the product of rejection. 

The product of abandonment. 

The product of lies. 
The product of cheating. 
Those times I feel unattractive? That’s the product. 
The times I fear you leaving me? The product. 
The times I question the depth of your love and commitment? Product.  

And it’s crazy because I am so happy. 
You make me so happy.
Yet sometimes, the Product makes me question everything around me
because I missed it the first time. 
I missed the deceit and the person he was behind my back. 
I was blind to his true self and it still scares me that maybe I missed something with you, too.  

I’m learning that my current level of happiness doesn’t necessarily circumvent my past trauma. 
The trauma is always there and will appear at random times.  

I’m sorry
That you have to deal with this
That you have to pick up the pieces
That you have the consequences of his actions
And his inactions

But thank you
For loving me fully and completely
For saying that I’m worth it
For viewing me as a whole person
For your patience in dealing with my shit

Maybe I have it mixed up…
Because of my past pain, now I feel so much pure happiness and it’s all thanks to you.