Tickling

 I saw you in a picture the other day.

I had to zoom in to make sure it was actually you

because you're old and rusty.

You were smiling

and it made me angry.  

Would you be smiling if I was able to tell you how my life changed because of you?

Would you be married with your own children? 

Would you be allowed to be alone with a child if they knew?

How you lured me into your room

and I went willingly because you were so much older and cooler. 

I felt special because you took time to pay attention to me.

Your blankets were waded in a pile on your bed and clothes were strewn around

but I thought it was wonderful because it was a teenager's room and I had never entered one before.

You had me sit on your bed and then began tickling me, which was innocent at first.  

But then, your hands "tickled" places they shouldn't have.  

And I froze.  I just laid there in terror. 

I could have yelled and any number of people would have checked on me. 

I could have kicked your face or forcibly removed your hands. 

I could have spat in your face and called you all of the most horrible names I knew at the age of nine. 

But I froze.

I know now that freezing is an acceptable response when faced with a situation like that. 

And I try to forgive myself that response.  

But because I froze, it happened again. And again. And again. 

For two years it happened.  

And I froze each and every time. 

It always began with tickling that led elsewhere.

I wore tight swimsuits, thinking that would dissuade you. 

It didn't. 

I tried to have my sister around me to prevent your touch.

But you always found a way to have her leave. 

And the tickling would commence. 

I've often wondered whether I did something to encourage it.

But I was nine and you were 15.  

I was still a girl and you were almost a man.

You left rusty fingerprints all over me 

that no amount of Rust-oleum could ever fix.  

You smile in that picture 

but I hope your tickling has corroded your life into a seeping, decaying wound that will never heal.