A Stronger Word?

Tears fill the bathtub as I soak. 

Salty relief while my body floats.  

Prayers and screams and utterances braided into one as my sight fades away.  

Amber light from the candles dance along the ceiling-mocking me.  

The drone of the room heater bores into my head, eating away sanity, control, balance.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Is there a stronger word?  

A word with teeth and anger and just...

Mascara and eye shadow sting my eyes.

Not a surprise, for my whole body aches.  

Like I'm 80. 

Like I've lived too long. 

Like asking for one more step is too much.  

Like I will fall inward and disintegrate into dust.

Still tears fall, swirling without abandon in the bathwater.  

Fucking Fuck.

April 20, 2017