Out of Sync

The sun blinding me
while my mind whirls.
Tears in my eyes from the brightness and also because of...
life.
I get so tired of failing.
Of being jealous.
of being petty.
Of being scared.
Of being anxious.
I get so tired of worrying
and planning
and evaluating.

Where is unforced laughter?
Where is awe at beauty?
Where is joy at breath entering my body?
Where is satisfaction that my body did what I asked?
Where are focus and creativity?

I miss the two of us.
Staying up late watching "just one more episode."
Competitions of skee-ball.
Discussing anything while eating chips and salsa.
Talking late into the night, chasing away the Sand Man.
Falling asleep and waking to the blue screen of a finished DVD.
Cooking competitions and devising elaborate future plans.

We were good once.
Better than good.
It was easy.
It was fun.
It was perfect.
We were perfect.

You've helped me find my voice.
To think deeper.
To argue for what I believe in.
To have growing confidence.
To embrace my curves.
To persevere and challenge myself.
To look at the world differently.
You make me better.

Yet, things are tough.
Like we're out of sync and clumsy.
And I don't know how to get back to before.

March 17, 2019